The past few days have been a whirlwind of emotions for me. I've spent time worrying about stuff that I know I shouldn't be worrying about like not having enough money (when we do) and every time the heat would kick on I'd fret over paying a huge gas bill.
For the past 16 years I've worked as a freelance writer and I know that times are feast or famine. I didn't have any work for a few days and it really started driving me nuts. I knew that I'd eventually get more work but my brain isn't one that can be reasoned with.
It doesn't help that I also have come to recognize that I'm addicted to working. While this may not make a whole lot of sense to some people for me work is like a drug. When I don't have work I come crashing down as if I was high and am chasing another fix.
I know I shouldn't be comparing the two things but it's honestly that bad for me. My brain freaks out thinking that we won't survive when in reality my daughter is the main bread winner in our house. She has enough money coming in to support the both of us and doesn't mind doing so. Of course I have some money coming in outside of my writing work and shouldn't even be working at all.
As for the heating bill, we qualify for the budget plan but my brain won't let me use the phone right now without having a flashback. There are certain things that I need to do on the phone and simply can't bring myself to do right now. Not only do I need to call and get the budget plan turned on but I also need to call about our internet bill.
All of this has landed me in bed exhausted. I think I've finally been able to calm my brain down some, at least for now. I have work coming in that now I don't even want to do. However, I'm not sure how to get past the flashbacks from using the phone. Right now I'm so exhausted that I don't feel like doing anything. My hobbies are kind of lackluster at best right now too. I need to figure these things out and learn to pace myself better so that I don't keep having these issues.